Between Reading (a book) and Writing (a program)

I sense a change in me. For the longest time, for a couple of months now, I haven't been reading due to reasons as silly yet tempting as spending time on games. Playing with people, that is. Monster Hunter caught me with its net weaved with the fabric of time, and it hauled more than a hundred hours in. And before I know it, I had eye bags and lethargy would bang at my door every morning like a mad person would. 

It did not go to waste. If it did, I would've felt regret, but the times where I helped new and young players climb up their ladder, it felt really good. I don't know the person at the end of the line, but I know I've helped them along their monster hunting life and hopefully added the fun factor into their chemistry with the game.

Now, with all the hours gone, my books collected dust every second I was away from them. But since a week ago, I received a reply from Mindvalley with a practical challenge. Eh? How are they related? Questions are fine, but they must know their time and place :) *failed attempt at being Professor Oak*

There were 3 options to choose from: Game of Life simulator, 2048 and a URL shortener. I went with the latter two. URL shortener because, it has been a while since I last coded things unrelated to gaming. 2048 because, why the heck not? Hahaha! Sorry Game of Life, I would like you too, but I have a different game in mind to develop before I turn life into a series of digital cellular experiments.

I began with the URL shortener. I learnt the basics of how it worked- create random strings and link the generated string with the URL the users provide. That's simple.

Or so I thought. Then it eventually became a godsent vision that I would need a place to store all these strings and their respective destinations. That's right, a database. I never did score highly on database subjects in university- they were theories and theories but no hands-on practicals. So okay, that's cool, brainwashed my mind into thinking "Oh piece of cake, you can definitely do this!". Then just as the storm seemed to have cleared, another bad weather decided to loom overhead: that means I need a host. And that also means I need a website. Oh boy.

After doing much soul searching and contemplating on life at least twice in a minute, which by the way is just a way of me saying "I went through my mind back and forth", I decided to roll with it! For the first time, I'm managing a database! And I learned how to host things using a hosting service! Andddd I now own a website! All of which I never had in my life (blogs don't count okay!), so it was a great learning experience although the beginning was riddled with knowledge holes.

Moving on, the 2048 was a boat with very frustrating oars. If you haven't heard of the game 2048, I think you might want to poke around the Internet for a bit. With my experience using Unity 3D, developing a clone of the 2048 game is simple. The only thing I require are tools to handle my aesthetics. Which I didn't have access to. Talk about cost, these days. Thus the river of time swept me in its current, along the way I must've bumped against what you would call boulders blocking your path. They didn't do as much as a scratch, so I said, "Hey, let's try using HTML instead! After all, I've never built a game beyond the walls of Unity 3D".

Firstly, I know I wouldn't be using numbers although that's what the game is all about. I deviated, my designer's soul was screaming so loudly I began to worry I'd go deaf if I let it be. So came the idea from above, that I'd use a theme. And that alone isn't enough. As an aspiring game designer, no way I'd let players play a game without rewarding them. Hence the idea of nature came in. I mean, who doesn't like nature?! *stares*

In order to do that, I'd need icons, sprites. To handle that, I have to rely on Javascript. But Javascript alone isn't going to handle the animations. I needed an external framework, and stumbled upon Phaser which is, by the way, amazing! Learning an entirely new framework is a hassle, much more so in the face of an hourglass. I pulled through the sands just like a surfer!

I made a couple of hundred and one mistakes along the way. My algorithm for the 2048 was imperfect. I didn't account for saplings that stood between two trees. I made some forests so resilient they wouldn't budge an inch from their position. I made people so happy they disappeared into the white abyss. Nightmares! I stayed up late for a few nights, my days were fueled with mediocre sleep. But THANK YOU UNIVERSE BECAUSE I MANAGED TO SOLVED THEM ALL!

RANDOM THOUGHT: I NEED TO START USING PICTURES IN MY POSTS !

That leaves the animations. Because of how my algorithm works, the data for each tile is not always synchronized with its sprite all the time. Animating would mean I need the sprite to stay in the room for a little longer, but I know its soul has ascended elsewhere. When they decide to become one again, my code decided to be Mr. Badass and separated them totally. What a cruel programmer I am. Fortunately, I cooked up a working method by introducing a third party to the relationship! Wait, no, while most couples would hate that, I assure you the assimilation was beneficial to all of them. With all of them done, I drew my stage performance with a slight finishing touch before the curtains are drawn: I decided to play Universe and tell every person who completes their life of their great doings; the seeds they've planted, the trees they gave life to, the people they made happy.

I am happy with my outcome. It isn't perfect, the designer in me has critics all over the place, but given just one week I am amazed at myself of achieving this much, learning even more ( ^.^)/*

So...apparently I ran away from my original topic. About books. I haven't been reading for a while now. But at the moment, I feel at peace. I feel like I could enter my quiet room, find myself spellbound by the enchanting magic, and flip the pages as my lose myself deeper and deeper in my own world.

The World is a Wonder

An Overdue

It has been a while since I lost wrote anything. When I write, I lose myself in deep thoughts. I used to do that often. Clarity pays me a visit every now and then. But this time, it's different. A different guest peered through the window silently. Never have I thought its presence in this little space of mine would kick up a storm- one that sent the dustiness of mundane life that quietly crept into my reality flying away.

Imagine yourself being comfortable, feeling at ease. Then imagine a gentle breeze blowing against you. A cool, comforting breeze. Feel the movement of air around you, catch the currents in your hands. Then imagine it getting stronger. Imagine its howl, a way of telling you it wishes to take you to a great place, one where your inner self feels alive. Allow the wind to carry you away from reality for just a brief second. And the moment you allow it to, imagine the wind turning into a flurry gust, rushing through your entire body, but you allow it to because it feels like the wind is empowering you. Imagine the sound of the blowing gust and rustling trees, the smell of leaves and early spring. And with all that realization, you slowly return to reality as the wind bids you farewell, leaving a trail of welcoming chill.

That is how I felt when this storm took me by surprise. A strong current that made my senses tingle with excitement, and now leaving me wanting for more.

Blessings in Disguise

Time passes so fast. I have been looking for employment for a while now but I refuse to simply accept just any work. I want to do something worth doing, I want to grow into a better person, I want to step out of my comfort zone. I recognize this feeling, this emotion. It is the same as back in one of my university days where I was playing futsal. Someone sent the ball flying to an empty area, and between me and another player from the opposing team only one would get a kick; my chance at scoring a goal, his chance of preventing it. And I ran as fast as I could. I ran faster than I thought I could. Even when I was at my fastest, I still wished to run faster. To secure the ball. To have a chance at scoring. To carry my team forward. To see the gleaming look in their eyes.

...but I didn't make it.

I lost my footing. I tripped. I fell. And it hurt. Not from the terrible bruises that are now scars, but from my own disappointment. I lost, but on that day I learned two important things; what it meant to be a team and, despite the fall, how it feels like wanting to go further and further.

A Place for Me

The latter is how I feel right now. And the emotion became stronger lately. So, having recently attended a seminar called MMI, Millionaire Mind Intensive (by T. Harv Eker, speaker was Mac Attram), I learned a couple of things. The most crucial lesson among them was this: mindset. As much as I'd like to deny, I was having the wrong mindset all this while. Negative, too negative! They say positivity and negativity are both a form of energy. When you apply the law of attraction, it's no wonder that my life was in such a state. 

So in my mind, I screamed at the universe, 

"Please send me your blessings, and thank you!"

And the universe must've gotten a shock, a sign came through a friend who shared an article. Through it, I came to know of Mindvalley, a company that wishes to change the world for the better through education.

The more I read about Mindvalley, the more I felt...I don't know, belonged? Something resonated within me as I read their mission. However unsure I am, this much I can tell you: it felt very positive and I was happy feeling that way. Excited even! Education is a very powerful thing, and if you were in my shoes, mix with the people around me, read what is going in the world, and then see for yourself all the little things that happen, you'd understand. Everyone can relate to this, I am sure, it's just a matter of how concerned we choose to be. Of the world around us now. Of the better world it could've been. Of an even better world it could be. 

Am I a dreamer? Maybe. But if my dream came true, it'd be sweet not just for me, but for the world. But first things first, gotta head towards that direction.

As I continue to read and listen what Vishen Lakhiani (Mindvalley's founder and CEO) have to say, I became more and more empowered in a positive way. I would even go as far as to say he is a magnet, and I am attracted to the way he thinks and acts, because frankly, that is my definition of 'further'. To be able to grow out of my negativity and turn my frown upside down. Then I realized one more thing, it is the key to my little goal of helping my family out. So that Dad doesn't have to work really long hours because I know how that feels like, so that Mum can get a good night's sleep without worrying about tomorrow because I know how that feels like too.  If I step back and look at the world, I know many others are going through the same thing as well. 

So I ask of you, dear Universe, to show me the way so that I can mold myself into a better, more capable person, that I too may, like many others before me have done, help to make the world a better place.

Miracles

Ever since reading up about the company just one week ago, so many wonderful things happened. Is it because I attracted positive energy by feeling happy and excited? Or is it because I looked at things in a different light? Whichever it is, it feels great, really great! If you are skeptical, I totally understand, because I once was too. Looking from an entirely new perspective is ridiculously hard, even more so when one's attitude does not welcome change. How do I know that? Because that was my attitude too not too long ago. Change is a matter of the inner self, the outer world can only offer so much.

Oops, a little too long-winded. Where was I again? Ah right, things. Wonderful things. All of these while, of course, feeling different: happy and I could take on the world! ;D

1. I started talking to a friend whom I hadn't had the pleasure of catching up with in months. To my own surprise, we talked about life, how we ended up on the same boat and how similar our experience was.
   
   
2. For the first time in two months, I felt productive. House work didn't feel like house work, and relearning HTML at W3Schools was actually fun (to my surprise).
   
   
3. I was magnet-ed to TED articles and talks which I always found inspiring, but never truly take the time to digest them. There were new things I learnt and a couple of things that never gets old, like the way people talk, how they think, their manner of writing.
   
   
4. It was Friday, just two days before Mother's Day. For the first time in my life, I abandoned the Dad-will-do-everything mindset and went for let's-see-what-I-can-do-in-just-one-day. She took the day off on Friday, and I know she's not working on the following day, so what can I do to surprise her? Dad'll pamper her with flowers, I can't steal his thunder. Dinner sounds almost normal now. Then I decided to go with something really small and back to basics, but got my sister and dad to pitch in too. Picture below! But what I was more proud of is the fact that I managed to persuade my family to a one-day trip back to my hometown to include my grandparents as part of the celebration. I mean, hey, grandmothers are mothers too right?
   
   
5. Guess what? Just as I thought no other relatives were joining us at our hometown to celebrate Mother's Day, my uncle and his family who usually only comes back for big gatherings decided to show up! And we had a reaaaally noisy day yesterday.
   
   
6. My grandparents are two of the nicest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. In the evening of Mother's Day, this old lady (in her late seventies) knocked on our door back at my hometown. I recognize her, she comes from a less fortunate family, and years back she used to look for odd jobs around our neighborhood. My grandparents first met her back then, and offered about RM10 each time she helped to clean our little garden from the weeds. It didn't really need cleaning, but they gave her a chance of earning what little she can. They slowly became friends, my grandmother would offer breakfast to her every morning, my grandfather would drive them to town for grocery needs. Years later, many things changed.
   
   
   I found out her children were all away for reasons I don't know, and she has been alone for four days now. For four days, a lady who hunches badly, who depends on the support of a discarded bamboo stick to walk, who sleeps in a house with holes in the roof, who relies on the kindness of others to carry on, had to live alone. All alone on Mother's Day too. I'm glad she came to visit. Despite her depressing situation, her words were accompanied by smiles. There was no hint of sorrow in her weak voice. It was really nice talking to her. It felt great walking her across the street to a neighbor's house who takes good care of her. 
   
   
   But most of all, as she was about to leave, I was overwhelmed when she reached her hands out to my cheeks, gently slide them down to my chin before retracting her hands back and placing them to her lips. A way of  saying, "thank you, I appreciate it". I had to hold back my tears. I had to force the lump in my throat away. Ignore my clenching heart as I put on a brave front, a sincere smile.

Reflecting back, the past week has truly been a wonderful, wonderful experience. It was different, it was filled with miracles that I couldn't see before this. It all...becomes part of me now. And I feel as though I've gotten myself yet another glimpse at clarity. Another glimpse of the human heart.

To Mindvalley

As I digest all of these..I'd like to thank the people at Mindvalley, for just being there.

Your presence alone brought me change. You gave me the strength and hope when I need them the most. Thank you.

Well diary, I think I have written enough for one day. Four hours never seemed to have passed so fast before. Thank you for allowing me the space to share my thoughts on your pages, for you will remember it even when I forget :) I'm feeling really pumped up, and I'll see what this week has in store for me. That said, I end this reaaaally long post with the promised picture:

Happy Mother's Day! Mothers are superwomen, I tell you! ^.^

-darren
darren.chingkh

A Bookmarked Page

*twists the doorknob ever so slowly, and takes a step into the room, kicking up the dust comfortably rested*

*coughs to the stale air and sheer amount of dust*

*runs fingers along the lid of a piano in the room, leaving a trail of warmth against the cold surface of the desert of tiny particles*

.

.

.

Fourteen months. I have been gone for fourteen months, haven't I? Hello once more, dear diary :)

The Past is in the Light

As I look back into the distant past
I see strains of light
Do you see it glimmering too?

I am standing in the park where we first met
Wrapped by the warmth of your memories

The days of old are long gone
Even so, I wish upon the unseen stars
To the you in the past, present and future
Keep smiling under the morning sun

When the wind blows into my face
I hear it carry your soft voice that I've long forgotten
Will you whisper to me once more?

As I stand in this place where we first met
I slowly recall the little laughs we had
To the you of yesterday, today and tomorrow
Keep living your life to the fullest

And I will continue to wait for you here
Until the day comes when we'll meet again

The Three That Made Me Whole

Writing isn't quite the same as reading, nor it is the same as thinking. I say this because to me, reading and thinking is like a flow of fabric, unobstructed by thoughts, because that is exactly what it is made of. Writing, on the other hand, is dependent on thoughts, but more often than not I find it difficult to write down the exact feelings my heart wishes to share.

The past month has been generous to me- there were three great creations filled with dreams and inspirations and emotions. For me, it was a month of heartfeels. 

Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII

As the epilogue of Nova Fabula Crystallis, this title brings a close to the journey of the entire Final Fantasy XIII saga, featuring none other than the fabulous Lightning and her companions. As per the title's suggestion, the game is about her journey in the final 13 days of the dying world.

Her only wish is to reunite with her sister, Serah, and stay by her side after being separated by the whims of fate for the longest time. Her one and only Serah. The game is magnificent in such a way that although the title is dedicated to Lightning's battles alone, it forgets not to remind us what friendship means, what it takes to trust,  the perseverance in going through one's choices alone, and mostly, the strength to believe and hope.

"...and in the warmth of another hand holding our own, we will know hope."

The Fault in Our Stars

John Green wrote this brilliantly. Filled with humor and tragedy, the book tells the story of a cancer patient Hazel Grace Lancaster from her point of view and the events that unfolded in her life. It made an impact to me, an eye opener that was always there, that I never bothered to look at, until I read through from page one till the end.

Hazel suffers from Stage 4 Thyroid cancer, with metastasis forming in her lungs. With her parents and doctor plus a few acquaintances to make up her entire circle of friends, things slowly changed when she met Augustus Waters. An experience of joy and love, depression and pain. As they struggle with their own difficulties, they too, contemplated about life and death, about the universe and the questions I never found big until the last flipped page.

Were she better or you sicker, then the stars would not be so terribly crossed, but it is the nature of stars to cross, and never was Shakespeare more wrong than when he had Cassius note, "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars / But in ourselves".

White Album 2

Yet another story that brought me to tears, White Album 2 shines in terms of character development. In fact, I fell in love with one of them. It's a story of how three students, unlikely in the creation of any fabric, pulled together to form a band just weeks before their school festival. Beginning with terrible guitar-playing, the plot then delved into a deeper sense of love with heartbreaks inevitable.

A tale of friendship, love, sacrifice and betrayal- the story is portrayed by Kitahara Haruki, the male protagonist who is sometimes quite dumb, but is sincere in things that he do. He initially plays the guitar, poorly, in one of the music rooms all by himself, but accompanied by a professional pianist whose melodies charmed him from the next room, which later Kitahara came to learn was his classmate- Touma Kazusa. As his previous band being abandoned by most of the members, he then bumped into Ogiso Setsuna, who later became part of the newly-formed band and the vocalist during the school festival performance.

When the two female protagonists developed feelings for our main hero, they realized that one had to make the sacrifice. The story maintains its moments constantly, but things definitely started to escalate after the festival, where the story plots in deeper and explores the theme of love, consequences of lies and ultimately, bidding farewell to the person they most love.

It is touching the way the plot twists amidst each of them trying their very best in their own ways, wishing upon a small yet difficult wish. The choices they made, as told in the anime, could not have been better, and had they pick a different choice, it would only mean them denying their themselves. The decisions made were human, but even so, the hands of fate are ever reaching.

"I've memorized how it (Kitahara's face) looks. I'll never forget it now."